[Well. Loki might actually know what Betelgeuse is talking about after all.]
So the bad habits are being self-centered and lacking self-control. And it particularly manifests when you're attracted to someone rather than, say, when you're feeling anger or jealous. [Meaningful pause.] I can't say I know how long it might take for that to improve, but I do have some idea of what that is like.
[He's quiet for a moment, reflecting on what it is that has kept him from having any sort of severe meltdown since he's arrived-- or, really, since he took Odin's place on Asgard.]
Is it possible for you to avoid people you find attractive entirely?
Okay, well, no. Then the answer is no. Honestly, that's probably the coward's way out, but it's seemingly worked well for me. Not that I've graduated or anything, but I also haven't thrown that alternate Stark out a window, which is a pretty clear improvement I think.
[This isn't for BJ's benefit at all. Moving on.]
Do you ever lose control like this in any other situations?
Who? [Blink.] No. The Stark who just got here. Well, not him, but the version from my reality, anyway.
[Loki's jaw tightens at that answer and he nods.]
A fear you've spent centuries preparing for. That's hardly surprising. Not that it excuses anything, but at least that's a place to start.
[Loki gives something of a half smile.] I think the humans would likely say that you've taken a great step in acknowledging that there's a problem you want to work on, but they'd also expect things to right themselves a lot more quickly than might be strictly possible. This might be the only place where people would even give you that chance, and they'll still likely hold you to a standard you'll struggle with.
It isn't exactly their fault they're so limited, perspective-wise. The thing is, they've also baked-in a lot of their assumptions about how things work. They just so rarely get the chance to see how wrong they are, and if they do the turn-around basically has to be immediate.
[Immediate being, what, ten years? Fifty?]
That said, the ones who've made it here should, in theory, have a better understanding of living a very long time. And should therefore be more forgiving. The issue in this case, however, is that the sorts of things you're struggling with could traumatize people, and it's significantly more difficult to forgive someone who's scarred you versus someone who's just not very nice.
I...assume that does bother you, yes? Now that you're human?
I don't know if you can choose to make anything happen faster. But you can try and explain the scale you're working on. For the smaller things, anyway.
[As for traumatizing people, well. Loki switches from a vaguely thoughtful and philosophical tone to a more reflective one.]
When you've experienced trauma yourself, it's all the more horrifying to realize you've caused someone else that pain. Perhaps even moreso if you genuinely didn't think about it at the time.
[He pauses, choosing his words carefully.]
I think, in my case, I sometimes have...forgotten that other people are actually people. For all that I use their individual expectations and emotions against them, I lose sight of the fact that their experiences are actually...real.
Oddly enough, I think slowing down has actually helped with that more than anything else.
Yeah, it's stupid easy for me to get caught up in the moment filled with excitement and horniness and not even realize that the other person I'm crushing on doesn't feel that way.
Shit.
May have to break out the spray bottle for real this time.
I'm basically in the market for a lobotomy but I know from Hange that I tend to go for the nuclear option when half-measures work just as well and aren't as extreme.
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So the bad habits are being self-centered and lacking self-control. And it particularly manifests when you're attracted to someone rather than, say, when you're feeling anger or jealous. [Meaningful pause.] I can't say I know how long it might take for that to improve, but I do have some idea of what that is like.
[He's quiet for a moment, reflecting on what it is that has kept him from having any sort of severe meltdown since he's arrived-- or, really, since he took Odin's place on Asgard.]
Is it possible for you to avoid people you find attractive entirely?
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Yeah. I guess. I mean. Fuuuuck, that's like 80% of the ship.
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[This isn't for BJ's benefit at all. Moving on.]
Do you ever lose control like this in any other situations?
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Uh. Mostly when I’m upset. Worried about being alone forever.
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[Loki's jaw tightens at that answer and he nods.]
A fear you've spent centuries preparing for. That's hardly surprising. Not that it excuses anything, but at least that's a place to start.
[Loki gives something of a half smile.] I think the humans would likely say that you've taken a great step in acknowledging that there's a problem you want to work on, but they'd also expect things to right themselves a lot more quickly than might be strictly possible. This might be the only place where people would even give you that chance, and they'll still likely hold you to a standard you'll struggle with.
[Very encouraging, Loki, good job.]
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[He actually says En-Vee-Em]
Ah, shit. Why do humans suck so much? I'm trying! I'm just a slow learner!
It only took me half the time to realize my knee-jerk reactions.
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[Immediate being, what, ten years? Fifty?]
That said, the ones who've made it here should, in theory, have a better understanding of living a very long time. And should therefore be more forgiving. The issue in this case, however, is that the sorts of things you're struggling with could traumatize people, and it's significantly more difficult to forgive someone who's scarred you versus someone who's just not very nice.
I...assume that does bother you, yes? Now that you're human?
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Okay. I mean. I can try to make more shit happen faster but. Fuck. Everyone lives such short goddamn lives, y'know?
And....yeah. I guess it does bother me where it didn't before. There's this weird feeling I get when I traumatize people, even if I didn't mean it.
Fuck, that's an unpleasant feeling.
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[As for traumatizing people, well. Loki switches from a vaguely thoughtful and philosophical tone to a more reflective one.]
When you've experienced trauma yourself, it's all the more horrifying to realize you've caused someone else that pain. Perhaps even moreso if you genuinely didn't think about it at the time.
[He pauses, choosing his words carefully.]
I think, in my case, I sometimes have...forgotten that other people are actually people. For all that I use their individual expectations and emotions against them, I lose sight of the fact that their experiences are actually...real.
Oddly enough, I think slowing down has actually helped with that more than anything else.
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Yeah, it's stupid easy for me to get caught up in the moment filled with excitement and horniness and not even realize that the other person I'm crushing on doesn't feel that way.
Shit.
May have to break out the spray bottle for real this time.
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Are you suggesting the entire barge be armed with spray bottles just in case?
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Where's that machine from A Clockwork Orange when you need it?
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Self-control is significantly less traumatic for you, I would think.
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[He feels like he lost the thread at some point.]
If castration is your thing, that seems to be missing the point.
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I'm basically in the market for a lobotomy but I know from Hange that I tend to go for the nuclear option when half-measures work just as well and aren't as extreme.
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[He hesitates, not sure if this is a terrible suggestion in the long run, but it would at least slow things down significantly.]
You could just ask. If you find someone attractive, ask them if they might be interested in you. If they say no, go...do something else?
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Pssh. What?
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