[in a VERY uncomfortable, frustrating conversation. He shakes his head a little]
Was gonna wait until we were together to read it. Sometimes context helps, the file itself is a little bare-bones if you get my drift. You condense somebody's thousands-year-old history into three or four pages, you're gonna miss some stuff.
Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I ever did shit to you.
[Well, fuck, he's spiraling again. Clearly woe-is-me isn't going to help anything.]
I have no complaints, Warden. I meant that you're leagues ahead of the person who did wrong me, simply by having any interest at all in avoiding future abuse. But avoiding this place entirely is a bit of an over-correction, I think.
[Loki cocks his head to the side.] Where were you even planning on going?
[Loki feels the panic in his chest relax marginally. He gathered that Betelgeuse was at least close with Stanley. If he does go, he might just get turned right back around by someone who's known him longer talking sense into him. But Loki still hopes he might manage to do so himself and save them all the trouble.]
You aren't wrong that living with others requires sacrifice, of one kind or another. But what makes going to live with this Rosie any better? Isn't it just as likely you might hurt her? And then what? You've said you don't know how to take care of yourself as a human. What good does it do you-- or anyone --if you go off and die because you've alienated yourself on purpose?
[There's a voice somewhere in the back of his mind that sounds suspiciously like Thor. Making a lot of amused noises and saying "Oh really?" over and over again. Loki ignores it.]
[And that's the fear he hadn't given voice to. That everyone is just humoring him, fucking with him, or worse, genuinely trying to help him only to find out that he can't or won't be helped and then kicking him to the curb. Finding this ship, trying to make a family, what was it all for if he's just going to get stabbed through the back, again?
Literally!
BJ falls silent but rubs at his eyes, pulling himself together (like always)]
S'not your problem. I don't want to be a problem. And I don't want to stay somewhere I don't belong and people don't want me because they think I'm not trying to cling as hard as I can to this stupid human body.
Babes, you need a warden that has all their shit together, that's not filled with these doubts and worries and what ifs. I know that now.
[There's a flare of anger in Loki's eyes and he raises his voice for the first time, though that's not the only first.]
No one has their shit together, Betelgeuse!
[Loki grits his teeth, lowering his voice again, though he's still seething.]
We agreed I'd help you learn how being alive works. And if the only way I can do that is by urging you to avoid my mistakes, so be it.
[He lets out a heated breath.]
Lesson one. Being alone isn't being alive. You know that. And whether you say it or not, leaving is as good as being invisible again. People see you, here. Being alive means seeing and being seen, even-- even if you would rather hide everything away.
[Loki's eyes are glassy again. This time it isn't forced.]
Maybe that's why we were paired. You fought to be seen and all I want is to hide. If you run, that's just-- what lesson does that leave for me?
Edited (got too excited and forgot an icon) 2020-12-25 22:07 (UTC)
[He nearly jumps out of his skin at his normally calm inmate yelling at him. More than that, yelling at him to keep him here.
Sure, it's for selfish reasons, but he understands selfish reasons. He doesn't understand people being nice to him until they get sick of him and snap that they wasted all this time and effort.
He feels alone here, right now, in the place he thought would be a home for him but he also feels this responsibility to not abandon Loki.
It's a weird feeling but he's happy to cling to it because everything else is so awful right now]
I did fight so hard to be seen.
[He says, with a dazed sort of look in his eye. Jesus christ.
And what he said...really? Nobody has their shit together? Because it kind of seems like everybody else does except for yours truly.]
Counterpoint; if I DON'T go away, what if I mess you up? What if I can't get you off this ship because I never should have stayed to warden in the first place?
[Loki's eyes flicker across the image on his screen, the first clear sign of his panic. But he thinks he's at least made headway.
He should contact Hange. Just to be safe.
Norns. Whether that outburst helped or not, being that openly invested in someone is. Embarrassing maybe isn't the right word, but the color that's risen to his face deepens as he recognizes just how much he actually cares about this. About Betelgeuse.
When he speaks, he is calmer, though.]
You can hardly make me much worse than I already am. [Weak smirk.] I could ask you the same thing, honestly. What if I'm too far gone and can't get you your deal? We certainly won't find out if you give up now.
[because he was gonna give his deal to Loki but he doesn't want to say that. First because it was Tiffany's idea and he doesn't want to think of her at the moment, and second because he hates the idea of getting other people's hopes up]
The only thing I ever wanted was to be alive. Have a home. Meet my kinda people, stop being so alone.
[And, it goes without saying, he thought this ship was that home]
Well, I don't think a deal can quite do that. [Or rather, if it did it would feel artificial and therefore not satisfying.] But being a warden might.
[He doesn't say because you'd have me, but he trusts Betelgeuse is smart enough to put that together on his own without Loki having to be that...whatever that would be.]
I think we'll have plenty of time to figure out a good deal for you. We've got hundreds of years of my sins to sort through, after all.
[he IS smart enough to read between the lines, but he's also extremely stressed and worried that some part of his most innate personality or self is always going to mess things up. The temptation to fall back into bad habits, just be a demon again because expecting others to love you is stupid, is great.
When he speaks again, it's softer, but firm]
No one wants me here. Nobody ever wanted me anywhere.
Even if it's self-motivated, that doesn't change the fact that clearly I'd rather you be here than not. And many of the best friendships started as devious machinations. Probably.
I assure you that there are far more people looking to manipulate you off this ship than on it. The earnestness here is so abundant it is nearly painful.
Believe me, I'm no more comfortable with it than you are. But I don't think I need to manipulate anyone here to...keep myself safe, as it were. I don't know what living like that looks like, but I've been told people do it every day.
[And so, he's direct this time.]
I think I'll do better if I have you here trying with me.
[A pause.]
...Forgive me if it takes me a few months to be that honest again, though.
[Ahhhhhhhhhh. Loki's going to need an extended break from people after this. No one should direct his amount of sincerity at him. He's not made for it and doesn't deserve it.
But he's gotten what he wanted. And Betelgeuse isn't bound for a dirty alleyway on Earth. So he keeps smiling.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Which is actually an excellent transition, and an easy way to avoid admitting he already knew that.]
Have you read any of it? My-- Odin is a prime example of someone who only realized far too late that using people is foolish.
[He'll save thinking about that for himself for later.]
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[in a VERY uncomfortable, frustrating conversation. He shakes his head a little]
Was gonna wait until we were together to read it. Sometimes context helps, the file itself is a little bare-bones if you get my drift. You condense somebody's thousands-year-old history into three or four pages, you're gonna miss some stuff.
Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I ever did shit to you.
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I have no complaints, Warden. I meant that you're leagues ahead of the person who did wrong me, simply by having any interest at all in avoiding future abuse. But avoiding this place entirely is a bit of an over-correction, I think.
[Loki cocks his head to the side.] Where were you even planning on going?
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Oh, I don't know. I was thinking maybe this place that a friend invited me to? It's where the Pines twins went. Rosie's there. She might take me in.
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You aren't wrong that living with others requires sacrifice, of one kind or another. But what makes going to live with this Rosie any better? Isn't it just as likely you might hurt her? And then what? You've said you don't know how to take care of yourself as a human. What good does it do you-- or anyone --if you go off and die because you've alienated yourself on purpose?
[There's a voice somewhere in the back of his mind that sounds suspiciously like Thor. Making a lot of amused noises and saying "Oh really?" over and over again. Loki ignores it.]
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Literally!
BJ falls silent but rubs at his eyes, pulling himself together (like always)]
S'not your problem. I don't want to be a problem. And I don't want to stay somewhere I don't belong and people don't want me because they think I'm not trying to cling as hard as I can to this stupid human body.
Babes, you need a warden that has all their shit together, that's not filled with these doubts and worries and what ifs. I know that now.
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No one has their shit together, Betelgeuse!
[Loki grits his teeth, lowering his voice again, though he's still seething.]
We agreed I'd help you learn how being alive works. And if the only way I can do that is by urging you to avoid my mistakes, so be it.
[He lets out a heated breath.]
Lesson one. Being alone isn't being alive. You know that. And whether you say it or not, leaving is as good as being invisible again. People see you, here. Being alive means seeing and being seen, even-- even if you would rather hide everything away.
[Loki's eyes are glassy again. This time it isn't forced.]
Maybe that's why we were paired. You fought to be seen and all I want is to hide. If you run, that's just-- what lesson does that leave for me?
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Sure, it's for selfish reasons, but he understands selfish reasons. He doesn't understand people being nice to him until they get sick of him and snap that they wasted all this time and effort.
He feels alone here, right now, in the place he thought would be a home for him but he also feels this responsibility to not abandon Loki.
It's a weird feeling but he's happy to cling to it because everything else is so awful right now]
I did fight so hard to be seen.
[He says, with a dazed sort of look in his eye. Jesus christ.
And what he said...really? Nobody has their shit together? Because it kind of seems like everybody else does except for yours truly.]
Counterpoint; if I DON'T go away, what if I mess you up? What if I can't get you off this ship because I never should have stayed to warden in the first place?
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He should contact Hange. Just to be safe.
Norns. Whether that outburst helped or not, being that openly invested in someone is. Embarrassing maybe isn't the right word, but the color that's risen to his face deepens as he recognizes just how much he actually cares about this. About Betelgeuse.
When he speaks, he is calmer, though.]
You can hardly make me much worse than I already am. [Weak smirk.] I could ask you the same thing, honestly. What if I'm too far gone and can't get you your deal? We certainly won't find out if you give up now.
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Oh, I don't have a deal.
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Perhaps we should come up with one, then. For motivation.
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[because he was gonna give his deal to Loki but he doesn't want to say that. First because it was Tiffany's idea and he doesn't want to think of her at the moment, and second because he hates the idea of getting other people's hopes up]
The only thing I ever wanted was to be alive. Have a home. Meet my kinda people, stop being so alone.
[And, it goes without saying, he thought this ship was that home]
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[He doesn't say because you'd have me, but he trusts Betelgeuse is smart enough to put that together on his own without Loki having to be that...whatever that would be.]
I think we'll have plenty of time to figure out a good deal for you. We've got hundreds of years of my sins to sort through, after all.
[If he stays.]
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When he speaks again, it's softer, but firm]
No one wants me here. Nobody ever wanted me anywhere.
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[Not a joke, exactly, but he gives a weak smile anyway.]
You'd think if that were true I would have ended this conversation a while ago.
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[says someone who can't help but copy that smile]
Says the self-proclaimed god of lies.
Augh. Why couldn't you suck more?
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[And so, he's direct this time.]
I think I'll do better if I have you here trying with me.
[A pause.]
...Forgive me if it takes me a few months to be that honest again, though.
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Damn, We’re cynical.
Aw, Loki.
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I just warned you. You got your one. I'm tapped out for the time being.
[But he's smiling.]
Will you at least stay around a little longer?
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For you? Absolutely.
Even if everyone on this ship hated me and wanted me to leave, I'll be all, fuck you guys. My inmate needs me and I'm here for him.
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But he's gotten what he wanted. And Betelgeuse isn't bound for a dirty alleyway on Earth. So he keeps smiling.]
Good.
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