[He nearly jumps out of his skin at his normally calm inmate yelling at him. More than that, yelling at him to keep him here.
Sure, it's for selfish reasons, but he understands selfish reasons. He doesn't understand people being nice to him until they get sick of him and snap that they wasted all this time and effort.
He feels alone here, right now, in the place he thought would be a home for him but he also feels this responsibility to not abandon Loki.
It's a weird feeling but he's happy to cling to it because everything else is so awful right now]
I did fight so hard to be seen.
[He says, with a dazed sort of look in his eye. Jesus christ.
And what he said...really? Nobody has their shit together? Because it kind of seems like everybody else does except for yours truly.]
Counterpoint; if I DON'T go away, what if I mess you up? What if I can't get you off this ship because I never should have stayed to warden in the first place?
[Loki's eyes flicker across the image on his screen, the first clear sign of his panic. But he thinks he's at least made headway.
He should contact Hange. Just to be safe.
Norns. Whether that outburst helped or not, being that openly invested in someone is. Embarrassing maybe isn't the right word, but the color that's risen to his face deepens as he recognizes just how much he actually cares about this. About Betelgeuse.
When he speaks, he is calmer, though.]
You can hardly make me much worse than I already am. [Weak smirk.] I could ask you the same thing, honestly. What if I'm too far gone and can't get you your deal? We certainly won't find out if you give up now.
[because he was gonna give his deal to Loki but he doesn't want to say that. First because it was Tiffany's idea and he doesn't want to think of her at the moment, and second because he hates the idea of getting other people's hopes up]
The only thing I ever wanted was to be alive. Have a home. Meet my kinda people, stop being so alone.
[And, it goes without saying, he thought this ship was that home]
Well, I don't think a deal can quite do that. [Or rather, if it did it would feel artificial and therefore not satisfying.] But being a warden might.
[He doesn't say because you'd have me, but he trusts Betelgeuse is smart enough to put that together on his own without Loki having to be that...whatever that would be.]
I think we'll have plenty of time to figure out a good deal for you. We've got hundreds of years of my sins to sort through, after all.
[he IS smart enough to read between the lines, but he's also extremely stressed and worried that some part of his most innate personality or self is always going to mess things up. The temptation to fall back into bad habits, just be a demon again because expecting others to love you is stupid, is great.
When he speaks again, it's softer, but firm]
No one wants me here. Nobody ever wanted me anywhere.
Even if it's self-motivated, that doesn't change the fact that clearly I'd rather you be here than not. And many of the best friendships started as devious machinations. Probably.
I assure you that there are far more people looking to manipulate you off this ship than on it. The earnestness here is so abundant it is nearly painful.
Believe me, I'm no more comfortable with it than you are. But I don't think I need to manipulate anyone here to...keep myself safe, as it were. I don't know what living like that looks like, but I've been told people do it every day.
[And so, he's direct this time.]
I think I'll do better if I have you here trying with me.
[A pause.]
...Forgive me if it takes me a few months to be that honest again, though.
[Ahhhhhhhhhh. Loki's going to need an extended break from people after this. No one should direct his amount of sincerity at him. He's not made for it and doesn't deserve it.
But he's gotten what he wanted. And Betelgeuse isn't bound for a dirty alleyway on Earth. So he keeps smiling.]
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Sure, it's for selfish reasons, but he understands selfish reasons. He doesn't understand people being nice to him until they get sick of him and snap that they wasted all this time and effort.
He feels alone here, right now, in the place he thought would be a home for him but he also feels this responsibility to not abandon Loki.
It's a weird feeling but he's happy to cling to it because everything else is so awful right now]
I did fight so hard to be seen.
[He says, with a dazed sort of look in his eye. Jesus christ.
And what he said...really? Nobody has their shit together? Because it kind of seems like everybody else does except for yours truly.]
Counterpoint; if I DON'T go away, what if I mess you up? What if I can't get you off this ship because I never should have stayed to warden in the first place?
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He should contact Hange. Just to be safe.
Norns. Whether that outburst helped or not, being that openly invested in someone is. Embarrassing maybe isn't the right word, but the color that's risen to his face deepens as he recognizes just how much he actually cares about this. About Betelgeuse.
When he speaks, he is calmer, though.]
You can hardly make me much worse than I already am. [Weak smirk.] I could ask you the same thing, honestly. What if I'm too far gone and can't get you your deal? We certainly won't find out if you give up now.
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Oh, I don't have a deal.
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Perhaps we should come up with one, then. For motivation.
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[because he was gonna give his deal to Loki but he doesn't want to say that. First because it was Tiffany's idea and he doesn't want to think of her at the moment, and second because he hates the idea of getting other people's hopes up]
The only thing I ever wanted was to be alive. Have a home. Meet my kinda people, stop being so alone.
[And, it goes without saying, he thought this ship was that home]
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[He doesn't say because you'd have me, but he trusts Betelgeuse is smart enough to put that together on his own without Loki having to be that...whatever that would be.]
I think we'll have plenty of time to figure out a good deal for you. We've got hundreds of years of my sins to sort through, after all.
[If he stays.]
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When he speaks again, it's softer, but firm]
No one wants me here. Nobody ever wanted me anywhere.
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[Not a joke, exactly, but he gives a weak smile anyway.]
You'd think if that were true I would have ended this conversation a while ago.
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[says someone who can't help but copy that smile]
Says the self-proclaimed god of lies.
Augh. Why couldn't you suck more?
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[And so, he's direct this time.]
I think I'll do better if I have you here trying with me.
[A pause.]
...Forgive me if it takes me a few months to be that honest again, though.
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Damn, We’re cynical.
Aw, Loki.
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I just warned you. You got your one. I'm tapped out for the time being.
[But he's smiling.]
Will you at least stay around a little longer?
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For you? Absolutely.
Even if everyone on this ship hated me and wanted me to leave, I'll be all, fuck you guys. My inmate needs me and I'm here for him.
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But he's gotten what he wanted. And Betelgeuse isn't bound for a dirty alleyway on Earth. So he keeps smiling.]
Good.
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I'm gonna go clean up, but.
Best inmate ever.
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Warden.