[Damn. He'd sort of hoped to avoid having to talk about any of this. Oh well.
He still starts with a light tone, mostly to avoid making this overly serious.]
I'm not sure what other way I can take that question.
Recently I've been trying to seriously contemplate how I might graduate, and I've been thinking about our...arrangement. And whether it is truly good for either of us.
I don't mean physically. I was just talking to someone and realized that our encounters might be a way to avoid actually improving. I...have certainly changed the subject to that when I no longer wanted to discuss something. I've come to you as a distraction instead of actually making an effort to, I don't know, improve in some way. And I think I've perhaps only served as a distraction for you as well.
[As Loki considers how to explain this, something finally hits him. Why this particular relationship is a problem.]
I...think there's more to it than just stress relief. But we've never really talked about any of it, so it's hard to know if it's doing us any good or actually just us continuing to act out behaviors that aren't...sustainable.
[Loki's not sure if the word "healthy" really fits for either of them. But it does seem like there's more self-destruction and backsliding going on than they might be willing to admit to.]
Look, Loki. I'm more than happy to pass time with you however you like, but whatever you're avoiding, that's your thing. [ Asgardians seem to like ending up on Sakkar when they're avoiding something, not that GM has made this connection when he never even remembers the name. ] That's always been your thing. But me? [ Because yes he has definitely been distracting himself lately, though it hasn't stopped the occasional long stare into nothing when the wrong thought has caught him. ] I'm just me.
[Loki looks...skeptical.] Then tell me why you became more aggressive after the breach in San Francisco. Or did I just manage to anger you every single time?
[Norns, this is awkward. Dirty talk is one thing, but this? His response is rather flat in an attempt to be casual.]
Holding me down. Pulling my hair. Being more rough than you ever were before.
[...He can't hide the embarrassment in his tone as he goes on, though.]
It's not that I didn't like it. But things obviously changed. You've changed. And I don't think I'm doing you any favors by helping you avoid it entirely.
[Then, quieter:] And I'm certainly avoiding something by continuing this...
[ Sigh. He cane clean about it with Hux so why not, right? ] Look. Something going on with -- that guy I was, in San Francisco. Just kinda hung on. Being more...we'll say active...well, that made it easier to shake off. It's handled. It helped. So thanks. I didn't realize my being less passive was going to be a problem.
I suppose I'm glad you feel better. But I don't know how I feel. Which isn't exactly new, but...
[Loki groans, frustrated. He is terrible at this sort of thing. This isn't just honesty. This is vulnerability. With a person who is nearly all-powerful.
[Huh. Well, he supposes he won't go into all the details here, then. No reason to admit he's part of the reason why the Grandmaster died, after all.]
I see. I hadn't realized. Though I suppose that's not terribly surprising.
[He pauses, revising his story in his head quickly before he starts again.]
He's also part of the reason I lived as long as I did, though not out of any sort of benevolence. He and his children retrieved me when I had fully intended to die. He gave me power and a purpose. He offered me everything I wanted. Or thought I did, anyway. He also gave me no real choice. His children tortured me. Manipulated me when they could and used mind control when they couldn't.
In the short time I was on Sakaar, I saw you kill people for far less than telling you "no" in such a...delicate situation. Even if I enjoyed myself, it didn't exactly feel like a choice so much as a strategy. Even if that is no longer an issue here, it is how it started. And I just need to...think about that.
Don't really do that with people if they don't want to. The game's the game on Sakkar and everyone plays their part but that part's not an order, not for me. It's not really any good with people that don't want to, you know.
...you haven't just been doing all this, since you got here, because you think you have to, right?
You really don't get how any of this works, do you? You leave, you're out. That's it. Planet goes on planet-ing and I can't exactly stop it all to go chasing after one guy, or four, or fifty. Or my favorite party ship. Or a freighter. One game ends, you begin another.
You created a planet. How am I supposed to know you aren't capable of pulling me apart molecule by molecule? And even if you're not, you'd hardly have trouble finding someone perfectly eager to take a stab at it themselves. That was always in the back of my mind. I was just fool enough to think I could get the better of you anyway.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[audio forever]
He still starts with a light tone, mostly to avoid making this overly serious.]
I'm not sure what other way I can take that question.
Recently I've been trying to seriously contemplate how I might graduate, and I've been thinking about our...arrangement. And whether it is truly good for either of us.
[audio forever]
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I don't mean physically. I was just talking to someone and realized that our encounters might be a way to avoid actually improving. I...have certainly changed the subject to that when I no longer wanted to discuss something. I've come to you as a distraction instead of actually making an effort to, I don't know, improve in some way. And I think I've perhaps only served as a distraction for you as well.
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So relieving a little stress instead of spending every waking moment wringing your hands is a bad thing now?
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I...think there's more to it than just stress relief. But we've never really talked about any of it, so it's hard to know if it's doing us any good or actually just us continuing to act out behaviors that aren't...sustainable.
[Loki's not sure if the word "healthy" really fits for either of them. But it does seem like there's more self-destruction and backsliding going on than they might be willing to admit to.]
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Holding me down. Pulling my hair. Being more rough than you ever were before.
[...He can't hide the embarrassment in his tone as he goes on, though.]
It's not that I didn't like it. But things obviously changed. You've changed. And I don't think I'm doing you any favors by helping you avoid it entirely.
[Then, quieter:] And I'm certainly avoiding something by continuing this...
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[Loki groans, frustrated. He is terrible at this sort of thing. This isn't just honesty. This is vulnerability. With a person who is nearly all-powerful.
Maybe if he works his way backwards.]
Did I ever tell you about Thanos?
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I see. I hadn't realized. Though I suppose that's not terribly surprising.
[He pauses, revising his story in his head quickly before he starts again.]
He's also part of the reason I lived as long as I did, though not out of any sort of benevolence. He and his children retrieved me when I had fully intended to die. He gave me power and a purpose. He offered me everything I wanted. Or thought I did, anyway. He also gave me no real choice. His children tortured me. Manipulated me when they could and used mind control when they couldn't.
In the short time I was on Sakaar, I saw you kill people for far less than telling you "no" in such a...delicate situation. Even if I enjoyed myself, it didn't exactly feel like a choice so much as a strategy. Even if that is no longer an issue here, it is how it started. And I just need to...think about that.
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...you haven't just been doing all this, since you got here, because you think you have to, right?
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